


Kingsmeme 4: A Meme Hope

by EggMuffin



Series: Kingsmeme [4]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Harry is Confused, M/M, Memes, Tumblr Memes, eggsy keeps using memes, only this time he's managed to pull others into the meme hell with him, teen and up rating because there is swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 08:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7794469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EggMuffin/pseuds/EggMuffin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buy Eggsy's silence. Permanently. £8000 per month. For £8000 a month, he will stop (using memes).</p><p>(Will he really?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kingsmeme 4: A Meme Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to another edition of Kingsmeme, this time from Harry's point of view.

Harry was keenly aware of his and Eggsy’s age difference and usually it didn’t bother him (not too much anyway). But sometimes he had trouble understanding Eggsy’s sense of humour, moulded by the internet as it was. Sure, he could see the appeal of some of it, and he could understand how useful some of the images could be in communicating certain emotions and ideas due to the connotations they carried (for example, the sad frog – named Pepe, as Harry had learned – had a simple, very understandable message). Harry prided himself in being more accepting and understanding of the internet culture than many of his peers, but some of it was just too much, even for him. However, it seemed that Eggsy had managed to infect Roxy (understandable, given that they were the same age), some of the other agents (puzzling) and a large part of the tech department, including Merlin himself (less understandable than Roxy, but more understandable than the agents). Harry was no longer in charge of an international spy agency, but rather a very rowdy lot of sixth formers dressed in bespoke suits.

\--

It started innocently enough, with Roxy posting a side by side comparison of Eggsy in his suit and in his casual outfit of jeans, t-shirt and migraine-inducing garish jacket to the Kingsman Slack group with the caption: _get you a man who can do both_.

Harry thought nothing of it, other than that they were nice photos of Eggsy and that his apparent never-the-twain-shall-meet mentality when it came to clothing had been the subject of jokes before. Harry set his phone aside to get back to rather important and delicate international matters and promptly forgot all about the message. When he finally took a break for tea, he discovered that apparently there had been more to the message than he’d thought, because there were over a hundred of new messages in the thread.

EGGalahad: i ain’t even ur man tho rox wtf

EGGalahad: but u r right i can do both

Eggsy had then added two pictures of Roxy. She was wearing her Kingsman suit in one, her hair up in a neat ponytail, and a slinky red evening gown in the other, hair down in loose waves and looking like a Hollywood golden age starlet.

EGGalahad: get u a girl who can do both

It had all gone downhill from there, with seemingly everyone adding pictures of their co-workers with the caption _get you a x who can do both_.

There were some amusing ones. Harry barked out a laugh at Merlin’s pictures of Percival, who looked as dapper as ever in one of the photos, but soaked to the bone after falling into the pond on Kingsman grounds in the other. _Get you an agent who can do both_ , he’d written.

Eggsy had posted photos of Merlin himself, one of him looking thoroughly unimpressed at whatever Eggsy had done just before the photo was taken and the other an old picture of Merlin celebrating the Scottish rugby team’s win over France, clad in the team’s blue and white. _Get u a handler who can do both_.

Morgana, Merlin’s second in command, had posted two pictures of her cat, one of it sleeping peacefully in her lap and the other of the feline sitting in the background while Morgana showed off the deep scratches on her forearm, with the comment: _Get you a cat who can do both but mostly the latter (arsehole)._

There seemed to be no pictures of Harry himself, for which he was rather grateful. Maybe they had deemed him off-limits, seeing as he was, well, their king.

However, Harry had spoken (or rather thought) too soon. His phone vibrated with a new message and he opened it to see that Eggsy had shared new photos in the thread. Both photos showed Harry, one of him at work; suit perfectly neat, hair coiffed, the perfect image of a gentleman. The other, however, was taken on his and Eggsy’s vacation to the Amalfi coast last year. Harry had gotten a horrible sunburn on the first day and one of the locals had suggested sour cream as treatment, and Harry, willing to try anything, had agreed. In the photo, Harry was lying on his stomach, his shoulders and upper back covered in sour cream, his hair a mess and his face the face of a man who would gladly die rather than suffer his current predicament.

EGGalahad: get u a man who can do both

EGGalahad: u lot just got u a boss who can do both

Hart-ur: You should get yourself a man who will make you dinner tonight, because I’m certainly not going to, Eggsy

\--

Kingsman agents were highly trained and certainly above your average henchmen, but sometimes, even they got captured. The protocol was simple – if it was worth it to save the captured agent, an extraction team was sent, but sometimes, it just wasn’t possible. The extraction could’ve posed a threat to the discretion of the organization, or the captured agent might have been used as bait and they would’ve been sending more agents into a trap. It was a hard call to make, but being a Kingsman wasn’t an easy job anyway.  Fortunately, it wasn’t a decision that Arthur had to make often. But even if it were a regular occurrence, nothing could’ve prepared Harry having to make that decision when Eggsy was the one captured.

He knew that Eggsy knew that Harry would have to make that decision. He was being held in a cell somewhere in the outskirts of Bolivia and Merlin’s team was doing everything in their power to find out how risky it would be to send a team for Eggsy. Luckily, while Eggsy had lost all his weapons, he still had his glasses and although he couldn’t say anything because someone was outside his cell at all times, Harry and Merlin took turns to keep up a continuous stream of encouragement and updates on the situation, so that Eggsy wouldn’t be kept in the dark.

Eggsy hadn’t had a good chance to try to escape, although Merlin had managed to get a satellite picture of the building and was monitoring the activity around it. They had no idea how many people there were or if they were armed, both vital information if Eggsy decided to make a break for it. So they played the waiting game until Eggsy’s captors made the first move.

27 hours after being captured, Eggsy was taken into an empty room, tied to a chair in the middle of it, and left there for another hour. Then a man came in, punched Eggsy in the ribs and the face with enough force to make Eggsy’s glasses fall off and demanded him to speak.

Harry’s and Merlin’s view was now limited to the floor and the feet of Eggsy and the newcomer, but they could hear the sound as crisp as ever. Eggsy’s breathing was laboured, but he didn’t say a word.

There was another hit. ‘’Who sent you?’’ asked the man, but Eggsy remained silent.

Merlin was running facial search on the man using the footage Eggsy’s glasses had captured before they were knocked off and Harry felt useless, unable to even encourage Eggsy anymore. It was then the man said, ‘’you’re a resilient little bastard, but we’ll break you. Pretty young boys like you always break.’’ Harry felt anger rise in his chest. How dare he say that? How dare he threaten his agent, _his partner_?

Eggsy just took a deep breath. ‘’What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?’’ he asked, voice scratchy from disuse. There was stunned silence from the man as well as Harry and Merlin.

‘’What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?’’ he repeated, louder this time. ‘’I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.’’

‘’What the fuck?’’ whispered Merlin.

‘’You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the world and you are being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot.’’

Harry was as confused as Merlin. ‘’I mean he’s not wrong, but what the fuck is he on about?’’

Eggsy continued. ‘’The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit.’’

There was a pause and then Harry and Merlin saw as the ropes that had bound Eggsy to the chair fell to the round and he shot up. What followed were several blows landed in quick succession, the tell-tale thump of a body hitting the ground, and the man groaning in agony. ‘’If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.’’ There was another sound, something that sounded suspiciously like someone’s shoe colliding with another person’s skull, and then Eggsy picked up his glasses. ‘’I’m back, boys, and I’m armed. Now please tell me you have extraction ready.’’

‘’If you can make it out of the building in the next hour, you’ll be home by nightfall,’’ said Merlin and sent out the message to dispatch a helicopter.

\--

A Kingsman feels right at home in any situation, at least on the surface. They are adaptable and prepared for anything. The organization aims to prepare them during the trials, but a Kingsman’s pursuit for self-improvement never really stops – a knight must keep up with the times. Usually this means learning new languages or skills like programming, brushing up on the etiquette and customs of different cultures, and improving or taking up new physical hobbies like fencing, archery or golf. Some more adventurous agents might want to cultivate an uncommon skill like coin or card tricks, origami, or Warhammer, both for their own benefit as well as the organization’s. All in all, a Kingsman is what one would call a renaissance man.

As such, whatever the mission, there is always someone with the particular skills needed. Sometimes however, while the agent in question may be excellent at their chosen hobby, they might be of the wrong gender, age or race, so they will do their best to help a more suitable knight learn the skill. And very, very rarely, a mission requires a skill that no one in the organization has, so the agent chosen is left to learn a new skill from a stranger or the internet in a few days.

That is why Eggsy has been learning how to ride a unicycle for a mission involving a travelling circus that is a cover for a group of human traffickers. Of course, Eggsy’s past as a gymnast qualified him for the mission, but unfortunately, the circus already had an acrobat. They were, however, down an unicyclist, after the previous one quit unexpectedly, so that’s where Eggsy stepped in.

By the evening of the first day, he had found his balance, and was confidently making his way through Kingsman’s corridors. It was an amusing sight, certainly, Eggsy in his bespoke trousers and shirtsleeves, riding around on a brightly coloured unicycle, but everyone else seemed to find it terribly hilarious and Harry couldn’t figure out why. Every time Eggsy approached someone on his unicycle, they started to snicker and opened their mouth, only to close it when Eggsy warned, ‘’don’t even think about it, mate.’’.

Harry got his answer later that evening when he was waiting for Eggsy in front of the shuttle and chatting with Merlin and Roxy. They heard Eggsy nearing and Harry saw his colleagues (‘’Employees, Merlin.’’ ‘’Colleagues, Harry. Colleagues.’’) exchange a look.

Merlin nearly shouted, ‘’here come that boy!’’ as soon as Eggsy rounded the corner, pronouncing the words weirdly, so they sounded more like ‘’dat’’ and ‘’boi’’.

‘’Oh shit what up!’’ chimed in Roxy, again with the garbled pronunciation, so it sounded like ‘’whaddup’’.

Eggsy groaned as he slipped off his unicycle and shook his head at Harry when he opened his mouth to ask for an explanation.

\--

Eggsy posted another photo into the Kingsman Slack group. There were tiny portraits of Harry, Merlin, Roxy, Percival, Andrew the resident tailor and Excalibur, the very angry swan that resided on the Kingsman grounds. Underneath the portraits were little captions and bullet point lists, which read:

king henry

  * loves pretty dead things
  * drinks too much
  * secretly loves abba
  * is a hot mess



the wizard will now install your software

  * brave scot
  * very angry
  * looks tough
  * just wants to be loved and cared for



roxanne

  * has her life together
  * drinks green tea
  * does yoga
  * is perfect



percy

  * looks prim
  * is a kinky freak
  * loves ‘em and leaves ‘em
  * loves nicki minaj



andy

  * looks kind
  * is a cold-blooded killer
  * can kill you in 300 ways with a needle and a tape measure
  * listens to vivaldi while disembowelling a man



excalibur

  * easily angered
  * always hungry
  * loves the nature
  * confused



EGGalahad: tag urself I’m excalibur

Roxy: lol #accurate

Merlin: Rude, Eggsy

Hart-ur: I don’t drink enough to deal with this

Agent_Bors: I wish I was Roxanne, but really I’m Percy

MorganLeFuck: I’m roxanne

Gawain: I’m the wizard

EGGalahad: Gawain m8, ur irish

Gawain: still hate the english tho

Merlin: Ayy

Andrew_S: I actually prefer Bach over Vivaldi

Ector_Hector: I’m king henry

Harry put together a quick picture himself and posted it to the thread. There was a photo of Eggsy and the caption read:

egg

  * thinks he’s funny
  * acts tough
  * loves dogs
  * gets cold easily



EGGalahad: #relatable

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Harry, the shit he must put up with. Some notes:  
> 1\. obvs a secret spy organization would use Slack. How else would they get anything done?  
> 2\. I did my best to describe the pictures. There are too many picture based memes recently and I am not a fan of too many pictures on AO3.  
> 3\. I can't believe I haven't used the navy seal copypasta before  
> 4\. tag urself i'm egg  
> 5\. Eggsy came up with Harry's username. Harry hates it. Eggsy thinks it's hilarious.
> 
> I'm on tumblr: eggmuffinwrites, come and say hi!


End file.
